this is a message i found in my laptop that my husband left me when he had to go back home
yes we went throuh some struggles, but i think many couples have went through struggles
especially a couple like us who had 0 prior experience in relationships!

i remember the first time i got to see your tumblr i knew you were something special
i knew you were a friend i watend to you to notice that i might be cool
i never had someone give me attension and
i never had someone to talk about bands
i never had someone that i could speak my heart to i never had that feeling were my heart raced when i was thinkgin what to say to you
i kept going back and making sure i was honest and for some readon wanted to speck from the heart and i didnt know why.
i like how you respinded like it wasnt anything like a new person to just talk to i didnt wasnt you to see me as someone that really was into
you cause i knew i had problems with people and getting close to them
and i had a huge fear if someone knows me to much theyll see that im a monster.
and someone that hates themselves but i felt like i was someone that desevered to try putting my heart out there for once and it was someone
i knew i could be friends with my whole life ust from the few messages i saw.
i wish you knew how much my heart ppumded evertime i got new message and how much how i would shake knowing you would read my messages and then when,

I would stop for a second and prepare myself to prepare to read your message casue i felt like each message would change my life and get me
 closer to being close to someone finally. you were so fun in the way you typed you made mistakes and made funny silly small jokes and it
sounded like you wered talking to yourself alot but i didnt mind i wanted to understnad you i paid so much attentions, im sad i lost that
or i got unfocused. I want to be more focused. I wish real life was just talking to you in messages but in real life. it would make me less nervous
and thinking so much in my head and taking time to read what you say over and over.

I like tumblrs format too. I missed when you answer back and be like "oh really wow i want to know more" and it made me feel like you were really
interested in me. I swear to my life till i pass away i never got close to anyone at all.
 i was lame and i got scared of getting close to people and i let people walk over me and people do things like girls make fun of me and
i didnt say anything cause i didnt want anyone close to me. I wish you could see how i really am. I feel like in my head is a whole other world in me
and what you see me in real life is a person just a person trying to deal with life things and circumstances, someone that makes jokes only cause thats
what people like and doing things that arent in my control and i dont know how to express what i feel and dont know how to express what in my head.
 I wish i could explain or show you.

I wish i could but im too late. I got caught up in real life things like working and trying to make things work with you can i
and working on not bringing out my monster and trying to take away the sad pain that i always feel to show you the side of me that you
had an interest in the one that took time to write to you and told secrets too. i wish i could talk to you in only messages and you sit next to me and
i dont touch you i can just see you, i wish i could explain this to you where you understand.
I guess wansnt a great friend cause i wasnt able to explain myself. I have so much looping bad thoughts in my head that wont go away like
 the thought of you thinkinh of someone else. it makes my brain stop and my chest hurt and its a thought that randomly enters my head and it wont go
away i dont want to think like that.

I wish i coudl have thoughts in my head of you being super happy and enjoying life. I feel so guilty cause i think of the girl interested in me writing to me. and then
i think of the girl repeatedly hurt by a monster and having to live with it. im gone now you dont have to see that monster.
i wsih you had a special powder or wand that makes it go away. I guess i thought you did but i think my monster got sttronger and stronger
and there was just nothing you coiuld do about it and you could only give up on trying to see that nice person cause the monster would get in the way.
 but now i feel like the mmonster is in me and isnt going to ley go and is going yo hurt
 me over anf over and make me think of you in a way that isnt you or it doesnt matter. the nice person is so far away i dont know how yo get back to
him im stuck with this horrible thing now. and i lost the girl that could heal me to it. Ims so lost i dont want to find myself and i want to give up
cause im afraid ill never find that nice person in me again and the girl that can heal me is gone forever.



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fast forward to a few months later and we are still together, living together in california! Happy and in dream land making money and im blogging and ahhh...
its a dream come true.

find more about us on my official blog soyvirgo.com if you want some cute lifestyle posts ok guys <3 xoxox



image from fooly cooly