So last night I couldn't sleep. . .
I ended up having a weird night...
maybe because of the planets being in Gatorade?



I was up following a bunch of cool people on instagram. Most of them being:

• bloggers
• vegan
• volunteers in their community
• live in my area, or places i normally travel to!
• are women of color!

I was looking through all "wokevegana" 's following, from 1 in the morning to around 3. They just all seemed so interesting and it's really hard for me to find people and BLOGGERS like me from or near chicago.

Also though, I just wasn't sleepy at all so I was able to stay up.
Then, I was not able to sleep because of noises. I thought it was people outside but they were near my window. I thought it could have been possums too.

I ended up thinking up a scenario of what I would say to my family once they found out I was still dating my boyfriend I got into a fight with earlier last year. Not just a fight, but a big problem..

I ended up saying to myself, around 3 in the morning, in the dark, on my bed...
these things I might want to say to them one day. I said,
"we only have each other (since our cousins/aunts/uncles aren't close and my dad left early on), but sometimes it feels like I have no one. The only time I was EVER happy in my life was when I was with my boyfriend (we got married, NBM, but yeah he's my husband lol). I didn't feel respect from them when I was with him and they didn't respect him either.
I always felt like what I did wasn't enough. Nothing I did made them happy, not even when what I did made ME happy.

Why were they not happy for me then, when I was happy for the first time in my life?
I don't care what they think of us when they see us together again. Even though they're basically my only family, they will miss out on my happiness.

They weren't happy with my decisions then, why should I care about what they think after?

Well I thought and felt and said these things and brought myself to tears.

When I'm scared, I start thinking weird. I was scared because of noises. By the way, I got out of my room and realized it was just my brother playing games and his tv was too loud. 😹

Well either the planets are in gatorade or... something is still in me that I have to get over. The fact that I can make myself cry like that. It's like I feel such loneliness sometimes. It's not good.


Well I did cry in the end of happiness. Knowing it will be okay that just 3 people in my life will be all in their OWN feelings about MY RELATIONSHIP with someone who makes me happy and makes me feel comfortable. The first time I ever felt comfortable about my skin in my teen to adult years...

But it's sad that my family doesn't know me and the fact that I was never happy.

I'm very lucky I still have my family. I'm happy I finally have someone who makes me happy and I'm able to be alone most of the time. I really love being alone. I'm happy with the few friends I have. I'm very lucky I can live the way I do.

Thats why i cried tears of joy.