last night we almost fought again.
i felt like telling him..whats the point in this, let's just break up if you think this way
i was thinking badly.




I thought these bad thoughts because he was sounding very hopeless.
When he sounds hopeless it makes me think he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore. So ill make it easy on him and offer it to him. It's not something i want at all but if it will make him feel more at ease, so be it.

When I visited him in cali, we had an arguement in public again. It was scary. I felt like going home, back to chicago.
I felt alone even though he was next to me.
It's scary when i feel like that because he's the only person who makes me feel happy.

I can be happy without him, but he makes life better. He's the only man i'll let in my life and the last one.

Last night I almost said things i didn't want to, but I kept calm. I thought he was only acting up because he was mad about something he couldn't control. I realized that, and kept bad thoughts to myself. Instead I tried to help him..
It wasn't working so I couldn't respond any more.

You know when you try try try and they say no, or that won't work, or just don't care about what you're saying because what they're feeling is really strong. Nothing you can say can help them at that moment.

It's hard being in a relationship like this. When you don't have a mental illness like your partner does, it's really tough.
I can get through it because I'm strong.
But sometimes I wonder if it's right to be put in these situations as his girlfriend. I think yes because I love him and no because I'm not a doctor/therapist so I take things to heart sometimes.

It's hard, so I have to stop responding or else it will get worse. Sometimes It makes it worse that i cant talk but this time he said" ill just stop talking"
we were watching tv on rabb.it and messaging through there.

I just exited out the site and went to get ready for bed.
I know its hard for him, i realized im happy that he's still with me no matter how hard it is for him to focus, or be happy or get up to do basic things.

Once I got back from the bathroom, I felt happy. I know he's trying and he will do better. I tell him I love him and it's really hard to do anything since we're far from each other. like i wanna tell him its ok, its not something u can control dont let it get to u this will not happen forever, but u cant say much to someone who has bpd. you dont know what theyre going through and u might say the wrong things. you can make it worse. especially being far away, it's hard to get him to be ok again.

But i tell him through snapchat messages, if i were there with him i would hug him really tight. hes not alone and he always has me. and i love him.
they're just words, but they can help sometimes.

he said he loves me a lot too.

I think we slept amazing. I'm glad we didn't fight. it's not something to fight over but im a virgo and i wanna fight sometimes but im working on it lol